Cold in Warm Weather

Today was absolutely fabulous. Started the day off right with a Vanilla Cappuccino, followed by Denny’s with my sister, brother in law, and second to oldest niece. I’m obsessed with the nachos there, probably not the best choice at 9am but hey, ya only live once, and they were delectable.

I’m super focused on shooting through all of my CE’s for the next 3 years over this upcoming week. God willing, right around the corner will be the opening to the career path I’m most interested in, but anyway it goes, I’m filling my day with worthwhile activities. It’s nice having the time to really hone in on my skills and not have so many pressing worries that aren’t related to anything important. I’d forgotten how nice it could be to focus on my own tasks and be as capable and proficient as I possibly can. I’m feeling a lot more like myself now.

My niece adamantly wanted to go ice skating today as well, and I LOVE ice skating, so of course, I obliged. Too bad for her, she forgot that she really doesn’t like ice skating. With her tied to my arm, it was a welcome change from her usual teenage desire for distance. Admittedly, her intentions were a bit more nefarious in that she didn’t want to go down on the ice without a partner.

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Since she’s 16 now, she’s not quite as into affection and closeness as when she was younger, which has been a definite adjustment for me. I’m seeing that my babies aren’t babies anymore and our relationships are changing accordingly. It’s always strange for me to think about how different I am depending on the closeness of my relationship with a person. Around my family, I’m much more sarcastic, affectionate, blunt, and openly myself. I get to be free with them potentially because I feel like they get me and I don’t have to fear misrepresentation.

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I’m incredibly close with my family, it’s hard not to be when you grow up with 5 sisters all crammed in a (pretty large) house along with a mother, grandpa, and grandma. Well, it’s either be close or hate each other and I choose to be a part of my siblings’ lives. With that choice, I get to be a part of the lives of my oldest sisters 3 beautiful children, and the sister right above me’s 2 adorable nuggets. I feel that I’ve made the right choice. My life is so full of love it’s hard to describe, though I have found that love isn’t necessarily easy.

On the love language front I happen to fall as follows:

  1. Physical Touch
  2. Acts of Service
  3. Words of Affirmation
  4. Quality Time
  5. Giving/Receiving Gifts

So while they’re all quite important to me, this more or less defines the way that my brain functions, and I read a quote once that made me truly embrace who I am and what makes me happy. It goes as follows: “The first thing you should know about me is that I’m not you. A lot more will make sense after that.”

For so long I wished that my main language of love was quality time, and I pushed myself beyond the depths of my soul to make that my reality, but it only served to hurt me in the end. I tend a bit more towards the anti-social side of the spectrum, though I adore people I have been repeatedly let down by many that I love so it takes a while for me to really enjoy anyone’s company. However, I love helping people, I love doing things that make others smile – that brings a big smile to my face. I also love receiving thoughtful gifts that make me feel heard and remembered. That’s the stuff that makes me want to spend time with people and that’s how I grow closer in relationships.

The closer I become to someone, the more that their words mean to me and the more affectionate I become. It’s an interesting cycle when I really think about it, but I’m sure it’s beyond obvious that I think WAY too much at this point. My introversion leads me towards being incredibly self-aware and conscious of the way that I carry myself.

On a side note, seriously thanks for taking part in this journey with me. There are so many ups and downs in life that it can be a bit exhausting caring about someone other than yourself, so thanks for your time.

Back to the original program.

Since I deal with social anxiety, it can be difficult for me to translate all aspects of my personality comfortably. I’m trying to be more comfortable with allowing myself to share the scary parts and vulnerable parts of me, but it’s all a jigsaw puzzle that I’m piecing together. I’m learning that trying too hard and forcing myself to change when I’m not ready isn’t going to work, so I’ll instead be patient with this process and let the kinks work themselves out.

Published by ShesNeverClever

LA native. Big thinker. Random adventurer. Style always on point.

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