2019 has been an enlightening year, to say the least. After the trainwreck that was 2018, I feel this has been the greatest start I’ve had in quite a while. The biggest change in all of this is my return to the dating world. I’d been out of commission for close to three years and I haven’t dated in almost six. It’s quite odd jumping into a pool I know nothing about and navigating my way through it.
When I began my dating journey at eighteen, I jumped in with both feet and the first person I met became my boyfriend. As I was growing up, all I wanted was to be a mama. I thought it would be easy meeting a great guy, marrying him, having his babies, and building a home and a life with him. I chased his dreams anywhere they took us. I worked for him, cared for him, and asked for nothing in return. He wasn’t a good dude and he used my commitment and belief in the goodness of people to hurt me over the five years we were together. That sense of innocence and simplicity are coming back and I’m scared to be used again when I’m finally opening up. That’s where I’m hung up now.
As I wade through the dating pool, I find myself questioning my motives and what I want. Once children were non-negotiable and now I’m not completely tied to the idea. Once getting married was non-negotiable and now I’m playing it by ear. Without the prospect of procreation, I’m finding myself more thoughtful about the person I choose to share my time and body with. I find humor more attractive; I find a good work ethic sexier; I find a solid character to be the most important. All I cared about before was intelligence, not heart. I’m certainly not discussing children with someone I’ve just met, but I wouldn’t be a good fit for anyone immediately seeking a family. I need time to warm up and be comfortable. How else could we determine if it’s something lasting?
There’s a limbo between a one-night-stand and marriage I’m floating through. I eventually want to lean closer to marriage but no time soon unless it works out that way. It’s infinitely confusing. I’m taking it one day at a time, not sure how it’ll go but I’m interested in the direction the universe will take me.
While exploring the California Science Center with my buddy Danny, I realized I’ve been single for so long I’m not sure where or how I would fit someone else in. My friends are incredible, my heart is full, and I enjoy being able to think about what makes me happy. My solitude is important. I’d need to meet someone who makes my solitude better and I’m pretty chill company. I don’t share myself easily, I don’t give out information without reason, and I move slowly in the “getting to know you” phase.
There is definitely a part of me who wants the house, the husband, and the babies – they’re just not my main priority anymore. I can be indecisive when it comes to love because I don’t hold back once I’ve decided I like someone and I don’t play the “I care about you less” game.
I’m hoping for something special because I’m worth special. I give as good as I get and while I’m not a “ride or die chick,” I am one who’s always up for an adventure and I am one who believes in sticking through thick and thin. The hopeless romantic in me can’t help it.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed. While I’m not sure how I would fit someone into my life, I’m not opposed to the idea of a person coming along where our separate worlds just click.
Who knows what’s to come? That’s the beauty of this crazy little thing called life, but I’m very much so excited to see how it all pans out.
If the universe has him waiting for me, I’m open to receiving. This Rai of sunshine is prepared to share her light.