6 Years Later

These last few months have been densely packed with action. I’ve officially entered the world of finance, I am getting a solid footing with my own finances, I’m finding talents that I never knew I possessed, my friendships are thriving, and I genuinely believe that while life will never be “perfect,” I can thrive despite adversity. If I had been told when I was 23, destitute, and desperate for anything good to happen that I’d be where I am now, I’d’ve laughed a wicked laugh and walked away.

6 years ago my life fell apart. My idea of becoming a housewife and having 4 cute little Jewish babies with the man of my dreams showed itself to be one of my most disastrous dreams. I never thought I would pull myself back together and more importantly, I didn’t understand that I had more to offer the world than my body and my passive acceptance of everything going on around me. As many strides as I’ve taken to get where I am now, there is still a part of myself I know I haven’t explored.

What. Do. I. Expect?

Expectations have always been a faux pas for me, I’ve never believed in rules and regulations within any kind of relationship, firmly believing when someone makes the decision to stay true to another person, rules aren’t necessary. I’m beginning to question my thoughts surrounding this idea. I had a conversation with a coworker a couple of weeks ago that brought up some topics I hadn’t thought of since Joseph and I broke up. I told him that I only believe intercourse to be cheating, that I wouldn’t count kissing and after some soul searching, I realized I was wrong. Usually, I pride myself on thinking everything through before I say it out loud – but I didn’t in this case. I’d never actually given any thought to my feelings regarding infidelity since I also never put serious thought into dating again.

Every “relationship” I’ve entered since my breakup had an immediate expiration date in my mind, so there was never a question regarding what I expected in the future because I knew there wasn’t one. I’m finally getting back to a place where I’m open to the idea of having someone in my life who will truly matter to me and who I see a future with.

If I ever want to get married or have children, which would be pretty sweet, I need to embrace, understand, and accept that being a human in a real relationship (not the perfect ones I create in my brain) means I have to look my expectations in the face and acknowledge their validity.

MY RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS:

1. I expect a man to want to know me. Someone unafraid to ask follow-up questions when I say something he doesn’t agree with. A man who doesn’t let my “intense” personality stop him from speaking up for himself and potentially engaging in a heated discussion. We’ll never be able to communicate if he’s scared to disagree with me. I may be a Libra, but I’ve got so many earth placements, the only “Libra” thing about me is my love for aesthetically pleasing things and my interest in astrology. I’m not averse to conflict and I passionately believe in what I have to say – I just know how to admit when I’m wrong. That’s the important part.
2. I expect a man to want to take care of me (this isn’t a money thing, I take perfectly good care of my own expensive habits). My love languages are both Acts of Service and Giving/Receiving Gifts. For a long time, I was really ashamed that I didn’t have a softer language because I felt selfish for wanting someone to physically show me their affection, but I’ve gotten over it. When I see something that reminds me of someone I care about, I take a photo or buy a trinket (or more than a trinket) to show them I’ve been thinking about them. I need that from my significant other. I would be happy to receive hand-made or creative gifts, they don’t have to be expensive, just a reminder of a moment that I was on his mind.
3. I expect fun. This one is pretty straightforward, I want someone who I can enjoy new experiences with. Whether it’s traveling, watching tv on the couch, snuggling up on a rainy day and reading a book together, or going grocery shopping – I need someone who I can enjoy the mundane and the exciting with. Going it alone is fun and I’ve gotten used to my solitude but it would be so nice to hold someone’s hand and lean on a shoulder instead of going through my days alone. Some days will definitely be less fun than others but I believe that the intention to make moments as enjoyable as possible is what’s important.

When it’s written down, it somehow doesn’t sound quite as daunting as I’d expected. I have desires: human, valid, and quantifiable desires. It feels nice having them exist outside of my brain.

There are definitely more things I need to work on before I’ll be ready for my “forever” partner, but I know that I’m making real strides towards being the kind of person I want to be and the kind of woman I want my partner to have.