Desire on my Mind

I guess I’ve got some pretty dope coworkers, another has my overwhelmed my day with emotions I’m not sure how to process right now. It’s occurred to me that I have no idea what I want; absolutely none. I enjoy being single more than I can truly explain but that’s really due to a fear of what not being single can bring. Do I want to allow another person into my space who can tear me down?

These last 6 years have seen a tremendous change in not only my personal sense of value but in the way that I treat and talk to the people in my life. I’ve become gentler and more loving towards the women I care for and I’ve begun allowing men into spaces once forbidden. This is a beautiful change and I know it’s for the best, I’m just unsure how to navigate the waters as I did in the past. This mostly is due to my incessant desire to never go back to the weak, desperate, and pathetically needy girl I once was. The woman I am now couldn’t stand to see that happen but my sensitivity and stubbornness are just as ingrained in me as ever… if not more now.

After leaving work a little early – which I never usually do – I immediately called Mr. Blue to discuss my existential crisis. One 30 minutes phone call later, I realized two things:

  1. I don’t want to become a drug addict.
  2. Maybe what I want most is what I deny wanting more than anything: Someone to build a family with.

It’s foreign writing this down, almost af if I’m betraying every sense of self-preservation I have. My fear of vulnerability is holding me back from meeting someone without immediately running them off as soon as I feel anything. The amount of patience I need from a person is almost laughable and when I think about relationships (which is quite rarely), I worry about how deeply I could be hurt by opening up and revealing the soft flesh beneath my tough exterior. On the other side of the coin, I push away the patience I desire and replace it with the warped idea that no one could possibly understand me, ignoring the fact that I allow no one close enough to try.

Today, after my terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, I realized I need help. I’m incredibly terrible at asking for it, but that’s exactly why I need it. I’ll never “put myself out there” or have the kind of life I see myself living until I talk to someone and clear my very unclever ideas from my head. Therapy will definitely help me to be a better version of myself and it’ll hopefully give me the direction I’m desperately seeking. I can only hide behind pretty clothes, cool shoes, and eating out for so long. There’s a person aching to see the light and I can’t continue holding her back from success.

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