Finding My Truth

Lately I’ve been finding myself in a multitude of conversations revolving around children or marriage. These are both concepts I’ve always believed myself dedicated to, despite never coming up with my future children’s names nor even remotely imagining myself as a bride. The older I get, the more I wonder if it’s truly what I want to do with my life. I’ve already come to the conclusion that I don’t want to get married if I don’t want children but I haven’t concluded whether or not I want children.

The idea of gestating a tiny human who is wholly dependent on me and my future love is a romantic idea but after a life full of children from my sisters, I don’t quite find the reality as appealing. Children are needy and incapable of understanding reason or logic for a very long time, which can be quite endearing in some circumstances, but for the most part it just sounds exhausting. Children will change my body, stabilize my life in a way I’m not sure I want to be stable, and they’re incredibly draining. I’ve always imagined myself being a really dope grandmother and passing on a legacy that carries my heart along with them but I’ve never imagined myself being a mother…

I’m genuinely unsure of where I stand, and there is a possibility that I could meet someone who would change my mind but I don’t plan on hedging my bets on a “maybe.” A coworker of mine made a super great point during a conversation, she mentioned that she almost had a scare and her first thought was “Oh no, my vacation is ruined!”, instead of any amount of elation. That’s how she remains pretty sure it’s not what she wants to do. Having never been in that situation, I’m not sure what my feelings would be, but given my lasting feeling that pregnancy is harboring a foreign specimen in my body for 9 months, it doesn’t sound like I’ve got the “mothering” gene.

There isn’t anyone I have even remotely thought about having a child with nor really even dating at this point, so the idea is pretty far out, but I feel like as I get more comfortable with the idea of “putting myself out there”, I need to feel more secure and solid in my intentions. Wanting to get married or wanting to have children are two ideas that I need to solidly desire or not. I’m not there yet, and I don’t plan on rushing myself to a conclusion, pressure just isn’t my thing, but it’s something on my mind and it never has been before. I feel like that’s a step in the right direction.

I’ll also be talking to my therapist later today as well, so hopefully she’ll help me gain some insight as well into my ultimate desires. We’ll see how it goes!

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