My heart has been all over the place as of late. I recognize that I’m strongly grieving and that it looks different for each person, however, this grief is a little different than I’ve experienced before. The men in my life hold substantial weight, more substantial than I originally believed, and I’m carrying the brunt of that right now. My decision making is off kilter and I’m not sure how to move forward. I used to throw myself into work when I felt this way, working myself to the bone so I had no time to think, but this time I’m doing it differently and I can’t even keep up with it. While my father was alive, we didn’t speak, but I live with my family so I knew all of the intricate details of his suffering and I knew it was best for me to stay out of it. I truly don’t regret that decision, the last thing I said to him was “I love you” and I meant it from the core of my soul. The reality is that he was never going to be the man I needed him to be and I had to love him for exactly who he was, which I had to do from afar. He called, he texted, he reached out to my siblings to guilt me, and he tried everything in his power to pull me back in to his gravitation and I’m proud that I stayed strong enough to continue living my life. It just sucks that he’s gone now regardless of how difficult our relationship was.
I made changes to my appearance knowing that he’d never see it, and I grieved him while covering my hair because it was a journey I needed for myself. Truly, I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing until he passed and I was ready to take the covering off and it showed me just how strong our innate sense of security can be if we listen to it carefully. I’m just sad. When I feel like this I need to be in community, which is a foreign idea for folks strongly indoctrinated in this capitalistic society. Community is for growth, for expression, and for strength. I need all of that right now and I feel that in my reach to be close, it pushed people away because I didn’t have the words to express what I was experiencing. It’s difficult accepting that I made choices and that no one has to help me if they don’t want to but it hurts just the same.
How I’ll move forward and what I plan to do is quite unknown to me right now. I don’t have the wherewithal to fight, I need rest, and I’m giving myself a break. These days have been incredibly tough to navigate and I’ve been steering this ship alone which I don’t want to do anymore. Me alone is not me at my best but I know how to make it work and right now, I have the love I need inside of myself and those who want to participate in loving me can do so at their leisure, if ever.
ShesNeverClever 