True to the Process

There is nothing in life I think about more than love. Who I love, why I love when I’ll fall in love, how good love feels. I crave the warmth, satisfaction, and understanding I’ve idealistically decided it can bring. Does it really?

I’ve been in love before, at least I believe I have, and it was nothing like what I dreamed of. After watching Dead Like Me last night on Prime Video, I heard something from one of the characters that really stood out to me, and it was that unconditional love is an ultimate act of desperation. When I really think about the choices I’ve made and the ways my concept of love has made me feel, I can’t help but believe that has to be true. I’ve striven to never ask for anything from anyone, to be an emotional island capable of withstanding any torrent or storm that comes my way and always taking in the feelings and worries of everyone around me. Sharing myself has never been a part of my case, my own feelings washed into the background and replaced with the feelings of others. That can’t be the face of love. Not in the least. That’s the face of uncertainty, damage, and a lack of self-worth.

Opening up and being vulnerable is something I’ve never looked at doing for myself. My thought has always been that caring for me and focusing on me was a selfish act. I was raised to believe that the worst thing a woman could do is embrace selfishness with herself and her time. What I see now is the reality that I don’t have children, I don’t have any real responsibilities. I quit my job to focus on my own dreams, and I could legitimately get a ticket to somewhere unknown and begin my life there without any true consequence. Right now is my time to start leaving a mark. I can choose to drown in my feelings, always looking them dead in the eye and letting them overwhelm my existence or I can look to my amazing friends in times of need and reach out instead of shriveling up inside of myself.

There is no excuse to be miserable, that’s a choice I make and choose each day. If happiness and understanding are truly what I crave, I must choose happiness and I must choose to understand. It doesn’t come for free, nothing in love nor in life comes without a price. My decisions to chase people away fearful of them getting close to me is only driving a wedge between the life I see myself having in the future and the life I have right now. The only difference is a belief that I’m worth the effort I put into myself and that others have tried so diligently to put into me. Opening my eyes to my own stubbornness and my own will towards loneliness is difficult, but the way I’ve lived with the fear of having my dreams come true has been much harder.

Fortunately, today is a new day and there is no force stopping me from making it incredible. It’s also raining, which is my absolute favorite.

Today I make the choice to be easy to love and to love easily. I’m terrified of the prospect, but what’s life without a little bit of fear to keep it on its toes?

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