My father passed last night. Guess I wasn’t incorrect when I saw that he looked different initially. The shock is incredibly strong and I’m in a state of disbelief. He was a very imperfect man but he was my father and now I know that both men who partook in raising me are no longer on this physical plane. I’m mostly grieving the loss of what I wanted our relationship to be and I feel lucky that I was able to grieve him while he was still here. That’s not a common experience. I know cutting him off was the best decision for me, I stand by that still, it just hurts regardless of the relationship behind it.
The end of 2022 was a wild ride, I had to make adjustments to relationships I didn’t anticipate changing, I had to look at myself and my fear of asking questions (because I’m terrified of what the answers might be), and I had to take fault for my part in situations that slightly damaged my fragile trust. I was once given the advice “don’t trust anyone” and I didn’t know it at the time, but I disagree. If I trust no one, I’ll never find out who is trustworthy, and it’s a risk I have to take for my own peace of mind. While my heart is cracked open a little bit right now, I know I’m going to be fine and that my reality is what I want it to be.
What did suck was learning the way people viewed me without ever saying a word. The vagueness is what bothers me, I could accept being told “I don’t want to be around you” but “I have boundaries” without ever saying what they are or what that means is genuinely a cruel way to treat another person. I was under the impression that stronger relationships were forged over time than what reality dictated. When I was falling apart and needed a shoulder to lean on, the shoulders I had trusted weren’t there, the foundations turned out to be sand when I believed they were stone. It’s shown me to be more discerning of what I choose in life but it’s also made me proud that I was capable of allowing others close enough to disappoint me. As a very private and secretive person, I keep most of my feelings close to my chest; mainly my therapist and 1 or 2 trusted friends hear about whats going on. It was nice branching out and extending my circle beyond what I believe it was capable of being. The pain of loss doesn’t outweigh the clarity I received during this struggle. I haven’t had to do it alone and the people who have been there for me have truly came through in a beautiful way.
Pain, death, grief, and struggle are feelings I’m well acquainted with and they’re a general part of life. They’re not the best parts of life, but they help me appreciate how much good I have going as long as I take the time to look. The picture of me that resides in the heads of others isn’t my responsibility and I have to remember that the responses I receive, or don’t receive, say less about me and more about the folks responding. I try my best to be understanding, available (when I have the time), and clear about my wants, needs, desires, concerns, and fears – I just occasionally forget that’s not everyones path. A part of me wants everyone to be more vulnerable and transparent but I also must acknowledge that the world can be cold and cruel and no one truly knows what anyones intentions are. Whether or not it’s acceptable, that’s a solid reason to sneak around and treat others in an unbecoming manner.
My goal has always been to allow people to platonically “fall in love” with me because I know what they love in me is truly what they love in themselves, it’s absolutely never about me. It’s always been my hope that the way I love could bring others together because community and togetherness are huge parts of my calling. I’ve always looked for ways to connect people, previously it was because I didn’t feel connected myself, but these days it’s solely because I enjoy seeing relationships between other people grow. I believe love is a mirror, the bad you see, the good you see, and everything in between are reflections of what you see in yourself; and I’m always looking for the good.
I’ve come to accept that it’s an uncomfortable feeling for people who see the worst in others and/or themselves to be loved for existing. Especially since I typically run towards the darkness in those around me in order to shine a light and show that darkness isn’t either “bad” or “good,” it just is. I don’t do it on purpose, I’m just most intrigued by the things folks try hiding away in themselves, the dark and hidden bits are the most beautiful parts to me because they’re the most human aspects of ourselves as far as I’m concerned. We weren’t put on this earth to be “entrepreneurs” or “hustlers;” both capitalism and colonialism have removed us so far from our intrinsic relationship with the earth and other people. Transactional relationships are on the rise and it hurts me seeing amazingly beautiful people who are so focused on the grind that they forget to be humans who desire connection at the end of the day.
Overall, the future is bright and freedom, abundance, and joy are around the corner, I just have to remain vigilant in my ability to see them when they’re around.
The new year begins in a little over a month and I’m excited to take what I learned in life, friendship, and love with me as I move forward. I have no clue what’s coming ahead, which is beautiful, and I’m excited to meet the best version of me as she continues revealing herself.
ShesNeverClever 