Welcome back to me! I’m feeling like less of a blob and slowly reintegrating myself into society. It’s been a nice adjustment. I didn’t realize how many beautiful connections I made and how deeply I felt for the friends in my life. It’s been a startling realization. I got to spend some time with Baby Girl and it was an… enlightening… experience. I’d missed her presence so much and I didn’t recognize it was what I needed until I had it. She helped me come up with the title for this update.
I’m all about embracing the space I’m in. Emotions are volatile and I’m an emotional creature, I’m not going to pretend I don’t feel and that I’m “strong” all of the time. I make wrong choices, I incorrectly assume sometimes, and I can be pretty indirect with my needs due to previous experiences I’ve had with being “too forward.” All this to say, I’m not perfect and I don’t strive to be. I’m accepting where I’m at; I’ve learned how to be accountable for the less pleasant aspects of myself and I’ve also come to love them. I appreciate that I stand my ground and don’t run away from difficulties or confrontation. I’m accountable to myself now in ways that I’d previously only dreamed of.
While I’m building beautiful and strong community, I also feel a bit timid. I recently clarified a couple of relationships and it was frustrating seeing the things people who called themselves my friend thought about me. Friend isn’t something I use lightly to backstab or get in the business of others; I’m perfectly fine staying distanced from those who don’t prefer close relationships. It hurts knowing that I opened up and shared information about where i was mentally with people who used that info to hurt me at their first grievance. The fact that it was during the time my father was in the hospital dying definitely didn’t help. Determining how i felt, what i wanted, and what i needed was a difficult task even with a therapist. I just recently had the space to get it together.
People truly bring me joy but they also frustrate me with conclusions and poor communication. Not gonna claim that I’m the best but I’m not afraid of accountability and I know how to apologize and accept the repercussions of my actions whether or not I like it or agree. I can’t determine how others feel about the actions I present but I have a firm boundary that says if I’m not told about a problem, I assume there isn’t one. Imma stick by that.
ShesNeverClever 