Each day is an adventure at this point. My energy levels are at their lowest and I’m noticing a need for more time than usual to recharge. Yesterday was one of my favorite days, Warrior Ball, and I played a lot more than usual but I also had plans to attend a storytelling event in the evening that didn’t quite pan out. Meeting new people is difficult right now because I don’t particularly feel like talking much and my conversation is more intense than I’m comfortable with having around strangers. I think about my 20s and how I was out almost every evening, after working and after going to school, I was always up to at least 3-4 events a day; I’m down to one right now. This energy level isn’t going to last forever, that much I know, and I accept that I have to be gentle with myself as I navigate the roads back to who I want to be. This isn’t it right now and I’m not particularly comfortable with my positioning currently but I’m sad and I have to make room for my sadness to exist and to pass. If I ignore my needs and push my desire for relaxation and thoughtfulness, the sadness will consume me and I don’t wanna be consumed in any non-pleasurable way.
While I’d like for things to currently be different than what they are, I must be capable of withstanding the seemingly insurmountable pain I’m experiencing. I can’t make it to the peak and see that surmounting is possible if I take my eyes off of the goal. The best version of myself is all I’m interested in and she’s requesting that I take it easy, talk to people who have space for the weight I’m currently carrying, and acknowledging that folks not having the space is reasonable. In this moment, I’m not the most fun conversationalist; my brain is filled to the brim with nostalgia and desires that are literally impossible to occur. Death is never an easy experience to make it through and I’m aware that where I’m at in the process isn’t the easiest to be around and I appreciate each and every person who has taken the time to listen, acknowledge, and accept me as I am right now despite not being “ideal.”
The last week or so has been pretty great. My ability to see the good in everything is slowly making its way back but I also appreciate the dark moments as they remind me of the reality that I can occasionally gloss over. Not everyone is going to like me, sunshine or not, and while that’s an uncomfortable feeling, it’s one that I truly couldn’t give a flying f**k less about. I have to wake up each day and be okay with the person I see in the mirror and right now, even in the midst of my struggle, I see a beautiful, capable, and loving woman who is doing her absolute best for herself right now. I may miss a few events I want to attend and I may “mess up” in some relationships I want to foster, but above everything I know that I love myself enough to continue doing what feels good (and even some that don’t when I know its good for me) regardless of my internal struggle. Above everything I’ve taken away in my years of therapy, it’s that I love myself enough to continue and see this life with wide and sparkly eyes as long as life will have me.