Stepping Forward

30 has definitely started off with a bang. Im coming to terms with not only my body changing but also finding the time and space to understand myself and allow others to understand me. As with all things, there are both pros and cons to opening up and becoming more vulnerable. Right now, for instance, I have my first real crush in 6 years and I’m trying to figure out how to navigate my feelings. When I see him I get butterflies in my stomach, my heart twists in my chest, and my eyes light up. He genuinely makes my worst days feel like sunshine. It’s weird.

Of course it also happens that I shouldn’t have a crush on him and he most likely has a girlfriend based on some things I’ve seen. It’s just a crush, that’s the nice part, but it’s still an odd feeling for me to have such warm feelings towards a man who isn’t 100% a designated friend and who I’ve shown no interest in and, initially, had no interest in. It’s never been my style to date people I already know, either we’re friends or we’re f**king, there has never been interconnection between the two. I think I’m ready to take the step into being friends with guys and not completely dismissing the idea of dating them as well.

It also happens that once I decide I like someone, it’s hard for me to see anyone else. Meaning I haven’t even been on a date in months, which is very much outside of my normal scope of being considering I’m used to both attention and affection… neither of which I’ve had much of lately. I’m happy with the thoughts I have, the warm and fuzzies are new, but they’re not uncomfortable. Mostly I’m glad I don’t find myself obsessing over him. My day goes as normal with occasional smiles when I see him in my minds eye or when I check to see if he watched my Instagram story. I just have to figure out how to date and have sweet thoughts of other men at the same time. I don’t want to tie myself down just because I like someone.

Speaking of Instagram, I’ll be taking a social media break for the month of October and focusing on fostering my outside relationships a little more intentionally. Stepping away from my phone and my online life always helps me center myself and stay on track.

I guess, in the wise words of Lana Del Rey, I’ll sign off saying: “F**k it, I like you” (love is too strong of an emotion for where I’m at right now)

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